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figuring things out
Nov. 23rd, 2024 11:50 amwith being on a break from academics, i'm finally realising how much of a strange place i'm in mentally. i've always had trouble with my mental health since i was a child and it has only gotten worse with time. having to sit with myself means that i've started giving more thought to my behavioural patterns and the things that set me off. it's strange not knowing what exactly is going on.
for the record, i'm autistic. that's one thing i know for sure. doctors just seem to tack on all sorts of different labels with different opnions on my mood instability. i've been thinking about it on and off, and i go through spells where i acknowledge it's likely something such as bipolar or schizoaffective disorder but i never do anything about it. i'm cripplingly indecisive that way. i'm scared of losing my freedom if i have it confirmed to be something as serious as those kinds of disorders. i've got no qualms with having them; i just want to be able to carry on living freely. i already take controlled medication which is under threat from the government so i don't exactly want to make it easier for them to remove my access.
i get incredibly tired from how overwhelming it is to feel as much as i do. it's the emotional equivalent to gale force winds all the time. i'm constantly baraged with a depression forged in the depths of hell, or being so high that nobody can keep up with me. i feel esspecially bad for my boyfriend. he works so hard to keep us safe and i'm just constantly intense to be around. we talk about it often enough and he reassures me plenty that he knew what he was in for, and that he wouldn't change these parts of me for his own ease. he just wants to see me happier and more stable. i really don't know what i would do without him. he keeps me fed and listens to me when i need to off-load the weight of my thoughts. i do everything that i can for him, too. i just worry that he will become tired and decide that he can't keep listening.
ultimately, i just need to keep myself hopeful and remind myself that i am:
a) capable of what i want to achieve, and
b) worthy of love and compassion
there is nothing about what i am that makes me any less deserving of love. i know that i try my best as often as i can, even if i can't keep up with others around me with respects to life achievements/milestones. it's easy to lose sight of these things. for now, all i need to keep working on is healing, making sure that i keep my body and mind active, and providing a space for the people i love to feel heard and supported. everything else can be worked out as time goes on.
i think that's all i really have to say on this topic, for now. to anyone reading this, i hope you're taking care of yourself. check in with the people you love; we're not meant to live in isolation.
sending love,
mutt
for the record, i'm autistic. that's one thing i know for sure. doctors just seem to tack on all sorts of different labels with different opnions on my mood instability. i've been thinking about it on and off, and i go through spells where i acknowledge it's likely something such as bipolar or schizoaffective disorder but i never do anything about it. i'm cripplingly indecisive that way. i'm scared of losing my freedom if i have it confirmed to be something as serious as those kinds of disorders. i've got no qualms with having them; i just want to be able to carry on living freely. i already take controlled medication which is under threat from the government so i don't exactly want to make it easier for them to remove my access.
i get incredibly tired from how overwhelming it is to feel as much as i do. it's the emotional equivalent to gale force winds all the time. i'm constantly baraged with a depression forged in the depths of hell, or being so high that nobody can keep up with me. i feel esspecially bad for my boyfriend. he works so hard to keep us safe and i'm just constantly intense to be around. we talk about it often enough and he reassures me plenty that he knew what he was in for, and that he wouldn't change these parts of me for his own ease. he just wants to see me happier and more stable. i really don't know what i would do without him. he keeps me fed and listens to me when i need to off-load the weight of my thoughts. i do everything that i can for him, too. i just worry that he will become tired and decide that he can't keep listening.
ultimately, i just need to keep myself hopeful and remind myself that i am:
a) capable of what i want to achieve, and
b) worthy of love and compassion
there is nothing about what i am that makes me any less deserving of love. i know that i try my best as often as i can, even if i can't keep up with others around me with respects to life achievements/milestones. it's easy to lose sight of these things. for now, all i need to keep working on is healing, making sure that i keep my body and mind active, and providing a space for the people i love to feel heard and supported. everything else can be worked out as time goes on.
i think that's all i really have to say on this topic, for now. to anyone reading this, i hope you're taking care of yourself. check in with the people you love; we're not meant to live in isolation.
sending love,
mutt
